New rule: Republicans have to stop calling the Wall Street protesters hippies. Yes, they’re peeing outdoors and having sex in sleeping bags – or as Bristol Palin calls it: dating – but they’re not hippies. The hippies are all gone. Woodstock was forty-two years ago. Forget the brown acid, the people who were at Woodstock are now taking the blue viagra. “Turn on, tune in, drop out” refers to their hearing aids. Wavy Gravy is 75 years old, he’s making wavy gravy in his pants. Last Saturday, I was in our nation’s capital and I had the chance to see for myself what was going on when I visited Occupy DC. Everyone was extraordinarily well-behaved and contrary to reports I was not offered a single mariujana cigarette – and I’m a little insulted. . . . Of course conservatives wanna make this about hippies because they like to live in the past. Rush Limbaugh, who really is too square to be a drug addict, said: “When the free drugs run out, when the free sex runs out, they’ll get bored and move on to something else.” Oh, that’s right, Grandpa. Look at them: strumming their sitars and wearing dungarees. Whatever happened to the good old days of segragation and date-rape? But I get it: you’re bitter, because we fought a culture war in the sixties and the right lost. Rick Santorum is like that Japanese soldier on the island who doesn’t know the war is over, so he’s still fighting against birth control and butt sex. Plus, Republicans are now mostly a Southern party and if there is one thing Southerners don’t do well it’s lose a war and get over it. But that war is indeed over. The ideas of the youth movement became assimilated into American society. That’s why we have gays in the military now and pre-natal yoga classes and tofurkey. And that’s why Rick Santorum will never be President and a black guy who snorted cocaine is. It’s also why there is not going to be a repeat of what happened the last time the hippies were in the streets. Those hardhats that you’re depending on to turn against the lousy hippies? Huh! Here’s what they’re doing now: they’re cheering them on. Because now, the hardhats are just as broke as everybody else. These people down there, they’re not the counter-culture – they’re the culture! They don’t want free love, they want paid employment. They don’t hate capitalism, they hate what’s been done to it. And they resent the Republican mantra that the market perfectly rewards the hard-working and punishes the lazy, and the poor are just jealous mooches who want a handout. Yeah! Cause if there’s one group of people who hate handouts, it’s Wall Street.
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