For the most part of the year, the sound of seagulls is the first sound I hear every morning when I open my window. It’s the background noise when I walk through the city center or hang out in the bay. It’s what proves to me that, whatever happens, the sun will rise again with a ruthless and wonderful certainty every day. Sad Autumn was a look upon my life, but as that life changed, so has the outlet. In a way it means this site will only be a continuation. But at the same time it will be something completely different.
So here I am. As far as I can remember I never left my life behind the way I did the past weeks and months. I closed my blog, I deleted my accounts on all the social networking sites except for Facebook – which I reduced to a very minimal profile only so people could still contact me. I never really felt the need to go back to any of those services, nor did I wonder if I should go back to blogging. True, I registered this domain a few weeks ago, but ever since I only played around with the design – I never thought about actually putting the site online, that was only a goal at an unknown distance.
Sometimes, however, the way is the goal. It certainly seems like that to me now that I look back upon the road that lies behind me. One of those many days while I was gone, Georges told me that letting go is probably one of the hardest thing you have to do in your life. It is. But occasionally that is exactly what you need. I stepped out of my own life, and spent a lot of time looking at it from the outside. I was proud of the choices I have taken so far. Not for a second did I regret the decision that eventually lead to me closing this blog. I lived every last second of each day to its fullest extent.
I’ve never really been the kind of person who’d listen to his heart. I rationalized every decision, acted out every possible scenario in my head, over and over again. But then, just for a second, I listened – and I realized: if you go out into the world and give someone the power to hurt you so badly you wished you were dead, if you, even if just for a single moment, completely accept who you are and show it, then you are truly alive. It doesn’t matter whether you get hurt, either way you’ll wake up one morning and the only thought in your head will be the one thing that has kept humanity going for so long: I am alive, and that is without any doubt the most amazing thing. My heart is filled with love for my friends and family. And today, I will celebrate life in every possible way.
It feels as though a whole lifetime has passed since I disappeared. And in a way it has. I am not the same person anymore. I look at the world, at the people around me in a different way. I’ve had to say goodbye for good to many friends that I really care about. I finally recognize the person that looks at me from the mirror, and I am happy to be that person. Granted, my life is by far not perfect. But what would I still have to strive for if it were?
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